The Start of the Restart

As I’m writing this, I’m approaching the 40 hour mark of being awake. It’s been a long week. I have not felt this exhausted in a long while, and I’m a guy who used to work 24 hour days every other day. Physically, mentally and emotionally I feel like I ran the fucking gauntlet, you know?

I’ve started implementing much needed changes, and this early in the game I’m already doubting myself if I can actually see this whole new mission through. I’ve had a confidence hit lately, and I don’t know if it’s going to turn soon. This is so not the time for this shit, you know what I mean?

Seriously, my body feels like it’s been assaulted with sticks. The big kind. Yeah, the fatigue has started to affect my mind. You know I had imaginary cats nibbling on my toes last night?)

Couch gags. Back in the day, back when we Hidalgo Boys were wee lads and life was far simpler, we didn’t need much to make the passing of the days far more pleasant than it usually is. All we needed was the couch, a good number of us in attendance, and everyone would just get into it. I guess I wouldn’t have had such an inclination to comedy if it weren’t for the guys. (And yes, I know my constant rabid bitching does not qualfy as comedy. Thanks for pointing it out, overworked brain.)

Anyhoo, on my last day as an official resident of the street, (And my last day to be living within the subdivision I’ve called home for what? Four years now?) The Big Man, The Human Torch and Mr. Guerrero and I spent an onordinate amount of time having one final shitty stand up comedy act within that living room. It’s one of those weird things. Despite the countless parties, drunk people and huge moments my time in Hidalgo has produced, I will always look at the place as the spot where we all used to hang out and just shoot the shit.

When the big storm (not the one that you think,the one before that) hit, what did we do? Sat around the couch and get drunk and make stupid jokes.  When someone found out his highschool sweetheart was cheating on him, what did we do? Sat around and made jokes. (Albeit most were behind his back.)  So while I packed up all of my shit and loaded it in the back of the Big Man’s pick up, a few solemn moments were alloted for meaningless conversation.

Some have called it the Watchtower (The Critic somewhat likens us to the Justice League, when we’re more like the League of Ridiculously Ordinary Gentlemen. And the “Gentlemen” part of it, I use loosely. Very loosely.)Others call it by less memorable names. So as we rode away, I was staring at the street, watching the Human Torch and his stupid grin as he waved goodbye, and remembered couch gags from the past, and settling with the thought that it was finally over.

Homecoming. After four years of moving around, I had finally returned home to the folks with the intention of focusing on some of the problems that may have arisen during the time I was gone. I left Hidalgo staring at the Human Torch’s stupid grin to be greeted by another stupid grin from an uncle, who gave me a firm handshake and statements that pretty much expressed the thought “finally…”. Now, I’m not planning on staying, but with the way things are, I might be here for longer than expected.

A few days after my supposedly grand return to the fold, I have been asked to join in on the family business. Considering the nature of the business, and the nature of the problem I wanted to get into, I said yes.

Which brings us to…

Escaping the Empire. After my vacation from the Empire, I spent an inordinate amount of time thinkig of how to unburden myself from the weight of everything that has been thrown my way over the cpast couple of months, good and bad, and the only logical conclusion is to  resign. Hell, I think they had a better time at work without me screwing up anyways, so since I’ve been wanting to focus on reconnecting with the relatives to make myself a more balanced person so the girlfriend can deal with me better, and I wasn’t doing a bang up job in the Empire anyways, so I declared my resignation.

Things are movtivated by a person’s needs right? I’m needed at home. I need to be at home. The Empire doesn’t need me. I’m like one of those stupid Stormtroopers that allowed Luke and Han to steal his uniform.

On the day I decided to quit, I got a little crazy and emptied out my bank account and went broke. I figured starting from scratch again would be a good thing. When I nearly lost everything last year, I came out a much stronger person afterwards. I guess putting my back against the wall motivates me to work better. (Yes, justify your irrational spending, you dolt.)

Sold to the Guy With the Horns. Last Sunday, before he and I went to see the Cheerleader, I had a talk with the Big Man about my desire to join in on his world. He was hesitant at first, knowing what he knows about my principles and such, but when I told him my reason for joining up, I guess that somehow convinced him. I’m pretty sure he had similar reasons when I first started slinging the bullshit for a living. I’m breaking new ground here, especially on a personal level. But I know it’s worth it.

During the past few days I even got to meet with a few would be colleagues. The fact that that night ended with someone slipping and hurting a knee hopfully is not a harbinger.

Needs and the people who have them. The Big Man and I have spent a lo of tie talking one on one over the years, and this past week, we did it twice, which pretty much surpasses the weekly quota. Our conversations in that secluded gas station and in that place where I found myself downing buckets every morning back in Purgatory did not really cover much new ground, but we did open up a couple of significant discoveries.

Every year I go on a rant about leaving, and it never does happen. See, everything I do is done with a purpose, whether it’s me drinking myself to a stupor, or going to a particular place of work, there is always a motivation for my actions. A lot of people view me as this spontaneous dude, which sometimes burns my ass because I’m really not. Anyhoo, I talked about this before, way back, I think, and yes, after all these years, the Big Man and I still do need each other. What I represent and what he represents are things we bothneed to see in our lives. He’s got the stability, security, the peace of mind. I’ve got the freedom, the perspective, the recognition of possibilities. When we exchange ideas, we see options that were previously unavailable to us.

That’s the point, really. The reason why people have relationships. it always starts off with a specific need that needs to be fulfilled. Over time, you just get more and more co-dependent.

I wish I did feel that sort of co-dependence in the other aspects. I talked about it a little the past week, and after starting with these things I’m doing, moving back home and all that shit, I start to question things. Self doubt is not a pretty thing, especially when you do things for a specific purpose.

I do wonder if moving back here actually helps. If it even fucking made more sense than just me holing up in another random aprtment, living out my days with a bunch of random strangers until something new comes along. I wonder if this whole staying sober thing is worth it, or if living under a blanket of a blurred vision makes more sense.

I’m just tired I guess. Feeling a little less than special the past week. I’ll get into the groove of things. I kinda have to. Working with a supposedly greater purpose now, whether or not I serve that purpose alone.

“We pass a bridge, we made it through

You feel different or all things the same.
The modulation never do
The story is untold.

And all I want is to get back to what I’m used to after all
Until then I’ll carry on” – Butch Walker, “Temporary Title”

~ by sunriseshotgun on October 4, 2010.