Less Than Attractive Notions

Over the past month, I have been in serious contemplation about the next step in my life’s progression. Most of my goals have been achieved, and setting new ones seem to be a rather difficult task considering there is very little left in life I really want to pursue. At this point, I just want to settle some old debts so I could be on my way. There has been a couple of events in between my blog posts that have made me see what I could probably hope for in the immediate future, but I no longer feel that I have the capacity to hope for more than the next person can. After all, it seems that currently any novelty my presence may have carried has long been gone now, and I have been nothing but an expendable add-on to the lives of those closest around me.

I can’t even hope for a decent night’s sleep, and that bothers me. I haven’t been sleeping a lot, and on some nights not at all. They say lack of sleep causes insanity. My own thread to reality seems to be on the verge of snapping.

Calls To Arms And All That

As if my body needed more reminders of how unwell it has become over the past couple of decades, here I am, blogging about the past couple of weeks at 3 AM while fighting off the worst flu I’ve ever had in my life. No kidding. I took like three pills for the flu and one for the common cold, all at once, just for kicks, and it kinda fucked me up a little.

I have to say, the past couple of weeks have been slow, but it has been hard. I’m feel that I’m in both an emotional and physical shambles, but while I’d like to think that I’m on the road to recovery, sometimes recovery isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. I haven’t had more freak out episodes in such a short span of time before, and believe it or not, I almost find it enjoyable.

The Fast Pitch

I’m glad to report that my life has become far less complicated now. Maybe it’s the fatigue talking, but with everything the way it is, life just seems easier to process these days. Simply put, in this brave new phase, I’m a wrting consultant by day, hopeful comedian at night, part time online writer and all the free time in between is spent either being a boyfriend or listening to the lamentations of people around me.

It’s like being in college again, only with a hell of a lot more financial concerns. So far, this year, no completely bad days have come across my path, but the whole “or die trying” bit of my usual soliloquy seem to be manifesting itself.

Whatever.

Limited Engagement

On my way home before writing this, I stopped by a local store, which was conveniently beside a place of very ill repute, to purchase cigarettes. The girl who was supposed to be assisting me with my purchase of cancer inducing goods was nowhere to be found. An old American dude tapped me on the shoulder and pointed to the girl. He said, “There she is, the one in the white jacket. She’s an airhead. She’s 17 and she tries to fuck everybody.”

All I could say was, “Oh.”

So we sat there, the American dude and I, im drinking a beer and me puffing on a cigarette, and I figured; “Yep. This is the world I live in now.”

A lot can happen in a week. Two weeks even. I, myself, am somehow taken aback by all of this.

The Lives of Dying Folk

There is this feeling of looming danger, and of course I go and charge for it blindly. Let me just make things clear though, this post is not a cry for help of any sorts. I just wanted to tak about events from the weekend and the probable effects it would have on me and the people around me. Some individuals have expressed concern, Hannah in particular, but rest assured, I know what I’m doing. In case my chosen courses of action turn out to be a mistake, well, I guess that suck right?

Forgive me for any incoherence, I’ve not slept or eaten much for days now. Bad dreams and the lack of desire for any nourishment aside from the emotional kind abound and I’ve been having trouble constructing my sentences to properly explain my current position. Hence, this blogpost. This is my lame attempt to shine a light on my current mindset, cause I myself am having trouble processing everything.

It’s a Start.

The way things are going, I apparently can only write here in my blog once a month, as opposed to the weekly ramblings all the people who read this have grown accustomed to wasting their time with. What can I say? I’d like to think my lengthy rantings are a public service, so to those disappointed with the decreased dosage of the wonderfully mundane updates in my little life, I apologize.

My quest for Utopia continues, and as the first month of the year ends, it seems as if important elements of how the rest of my year goes have been established. Of course, things tend to take a sudden turn towards the unexpected, but for now, everything seems to be on stable ground.

Exclamation Points

As the new year begins, I an only imagine what sort of developments are in store for me. Yes, I did mention that I shall be searching for Utopia this year, and I will find it, even if it kills me. is off to a great start? As good as any I guess. It was loud, but I’ve been doing loud for so long that it has become the norm.

It’s too early to tell if this year will bring forth the type of change I know I need, but I’ll be turning 29 soon, which means this time next year I will be 30. Expiration date cancelled or not, this is  turning point that I plan to take full advantage of. By the time the year is over, so will a lot of things be. It’s just how it works I guess. 365 good days. It’s not as hard as some people may think.

2010: My Gritty Reboot

Another year is over. I said in my previous post that I would reserve judgement for 2010 until I see the big picture. Right now, the big picture is less blurred, but it’s still not clearly visible. When the year tarted, I was working several jobs, one of which involved doing a part time phone monkey gig. I was working to ensure that the then-girlfriend graduated, but we all know how that went.

In 12 months, I’ve had three jobs, moved to three different houses, did a whole bunch of other shit and before I kneew it, the time wherein I vow to quit smoking and save money is once again upon us. It all makes for one hell of a story, but if there’s a point to all the 2010 shenanigans, it’s that sometimes, you have to destroy everything and then make do.

The Dust Nears Settling

I recently heard the Big Man comment on how I have been far less staunch about my so-called principles over the past couple of months. After all, he has seen me at my strongest for several years now, and I guess I haven’t been feeling as strong as I used to.

While I still haven’t been completely transformed into a person I hate, I personally do feel that the real of the world has been steadily gnawing at the ideal me for quite some time now. Things change, annd they say it’s a natural thing, but I see that the changes lead to me not being quite happy with who I am. The more I fight it, the more hopeless that particular battle seems.

Smoke, or Traces of Fire

It’s been a month, a very long one at that. The last time I posted in this little blog, I was about to start this crazy little project that I’ve been obssessed with all year long, but faced another danger due to unwise decisions.

Long story short, I have managed to finish shooting, and now my life is a lot more different a month ago. It’s been quite a journey, really, one that somehow changed me point of view once more about things and people and good and bad in general. This is me rambling again. Bear with me, haven’t done so in a month.